Aha!

This page describes me perfectly: http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/paranoia
I don't have hallucinations, obviously, but am forever fearful of what people are going to say or do.

Excerpt:
Being paranoid means being suspicious without reason, and believing that others are trying to harm you in some way....
...people who are prone to paranoia always dread some forthcoming attack or betrayal. They are forever anticipating that something awful will happen, and trying to second-guess what their adversaries might do.

.... It can be a very isolating condition, because people feel they can't depend on anybody. They may feel angry, fearful, guilt-ridden, suspicious, vengeful and excluded, and may become very depressed, as a result.

end Excerpt

And what are the causes of paranoia? They *think* it might have something to do with genetics, at least in part. But genetics alone doesn't lead to paranoia.

Among other causes, here are the ones that apply to me:-

What happens to us in childhood may play a part. If a child is brought up to believe that the world is a very unsafe place and that people are horrible, this may mould their personality in a paranoid direction. Self-esteem, or lack of it, is also important. If children are not brought up to feel that they are basically lovable, they may be suspicious or mistrustful when others show them affection. It's thought that very grandiose behaviour or a highly inflated sense of importance, which paranoid people sometimes show, can be an unconscious compensation for such feelings

I am in danger of practicing plaigiarism if I reproduce any more of the article here. I've tried to reproduce less than 10% which I think doesn't count as plagiarism, with credits. But so much of it rings true.

Treatment usually includes administering small doses of anti-psychotics. This is precisely what happened to me. It is disheartening to note here that despite knowing my full history and, in particular, my paranoid mindset, even the particular withdrawal symptoms, a well recommended psychiatrist could not work out why a previous doctor had put me on rispiridone. He said give it up, don't even bother to taper down, just give it up. This caused a huge depressive incident and this is after I told him this had happened to me before when I tried to withdraw!

Basically, good mental health care is extremely difficult to find.

Google Spam filtering

Random thought: How does gmail's 'report spam' feature work? There is spam from the same email id which I've reported more than once but it keeps getting delivered to my mailbox. Fixit google.

Death

I am sick of this world. I am sick of myself. I want to die but do I want it badly enough? I wish I was dead. I hate myself, I hate the world and I hate God.

Back in my private hell

Yesterday, at about 6 o'clock, nearly everyone in the team got up and left for drinks, while avoiding looking at me. I wasn't asked. At this minute, I wish I was dead.

2 fantansies:- 1. I win the lottery and never have to work again. 2. I get shot in the head on the street. This is an either/or scenario. I don't want to win the lottery on Friday only to be shot in the head next day. So long as that's clear.

EVERY single group of people I have interacted with since I was 13 has ended up hating me. I mean literally hated. School, Uni, masters, work, MBA, work, work, work, today. Every single group has ended up isolating me. Of course, it must be my fault. I just can't fix it. God knows I've tried but nothing works.

Skimming the surface

Unstoppable deluge of troublesome occurrences. Unnecessary confrontations, feel threatened, unable to respond with confidence to anything. Snowed under with work but unable to make progress.

Half started stories

I'd nearly forgotten this blog. What's the point of talking when no one's listening? But then jamie posted a comment on my last piece and I remembered. Thanks jamie. This is worth doing, even if discontinuously.

So how have I been doing? You know that feeling you get when you're just learning to drive and you're doing 35 on a bendy 30mph limit road? The kind of bendy road where an experienced driver would actually do only 20? You aren't really dangerously out of control, but you very nearly are. Nearly missing parked cars and traversing a bend too fast. That's how I feel. Things aren't quite in control, I haven't had an accident yet but it could be staring me in the face at the next bend.

I went down to half an mg of respidon on 30th Oct. I managed to stay afloat, not dipping down into full blown depression by taking St John's Wort but don't feel too great either. I've stopped St John's Wort since then because it makes me anxious.

I gained a false sense of invincibility and sort of got into a confrontation with a manager type of person recently. Makes me wonder if I have traces of manic depression. But this is like hell, neither being totally confident nor at peace with a non confrontational approach. Things are getting a bit hairy.

Meanwhile, the missus is travelling tomorrow on business for 3 days. Let's see how I survive on my own for the rest of the week.

Not reading email trails through before forwarding them

So, I forwarded an email trail to a salesperson without confirming what's been said before. As it happens, I have said some stuff on there which I'd rather not have had the salesperson see. Rookie error. Brain not working. I'm telling you guys, I have slid down the IQ scale like a vestal virgin down an oiled pole. Can't think straight any more.

Closing a meeting

I attempted to close a meeting without agreeing next steps and setting up a follow up meeting. Got called on it. I think people are getting fed up with me. Another instance of lack of concentration? Or do I not know how to run meetings?

Fool

So I came across as a fool to a group of Sales people in a meeting because one of my team mates butted in and hijacked a meeting I was running. God, I hate that guy.

5-HTP effects

So, I again had 50mg 5-HTP last night, but no St John's Wort all day. Today, I felt a nervous energy through me all day and a propensity to be rather sharp with people. Amusing (a little) but not good for professional health. My biggest problem before the collapse of 2006 was my sharp tongue and anger. So, I'll have St John's Wort if I need to, but reckon should lay off the 5-HTP's. Having omega-3 as well. Have high hopes from Omega-3 but apparently takes about 4 weeks to kick in. Let's see.

Omega 3

I got my vegan EPA through in the post today. 600mg of EPA in one capsule. It cost me $124 for 120 capsules which works out to more than a dollar per capsule. Hmm, it is a bit too expensive. Hope it helps though. And I hope Opti3 come up with an EPA formula soon.

5 HTP + Sertraline + St Johns Wart = a bad idea

So I had 25mg sertraline and st johns wart and 5 htp and have the biggest most leaden headache ever. Not recommended.

Another boo boo

I'm having a terrible time at work. I can't seem to pay any attention to what I'm doing and I keep making stupid mistakes. Not up to it.

What do I do about 5HTP?

I took 50mg of 5-HTP today. I slept for 3 hours and it was a very satisfying sleep. But I'm worried because I am on anti-histamines (citerezine 10 mg) and 25 mg Sertraline. There have also been reports of developing EMS because of impurities in 5 HTP.

Read more here.

Sort it out

I was 'ordered' to 'sort it out' with a person in another team who is a stakeholder in my project. There was a bit of work I felt he should've helped to get done but he just dug his heels in and insisted that I should do it myself. I wasn't happy about that but there is a lot of politics involved here. So, I came to know that this person - who belongs to a different team, doesn't bill any of his time to our project. Basically, whatever work he does for us is free. My manager likes this and wants to keep it that way. Which means he'd rather bend over backwards to keep this person happy than back me up even when I am right.

So much so that in our last one on one, he told me 'If you can't work with X, that is a problem'. Which means he will get rid of me and not renew my contract. Essentially, this is what happened to the last person who was doing my job. X complained about him to my manager and my manager got rid of him and brought me in. So, now, my manager insists that I should talk to this person and square things with him. Which I did today. Funnily enough, what I gathered from today's chat was, this person is one of those people who get aggressive when they feel defensive. I got an impression that he is a bit insecure and is trying to compensate by patronizing me. Not an easy situation to manage. If I try to be friendly, he patronises me even more. If I don't, that is cause for a grudge. Let's see how it pans out but I am ready to put my papers in if it doesn't work out.

Team dinner

There's a team dinner tonight which I am planning to miss. I'll go, have a drink at 5.30 and then leave. Since I don't drink alcohol, I find people getting mellow as they are in their 3rd or 4th pint, while I just get to observe them. It's kind of fun! If I could, I'd get out of going at all, but people will wonder what's wrong with me just for missing dinner, I don't want to make it worse by not going at all.

Delusional

I think I am delusional at this point of time. I am not in touch with reality. I think I should see a doc/counselor.

Meanwhile, I have been popping 2 pills of St John's Wort (250 mg) daily, which I think has kept me away from a complete breakdown and return of full blown depression, but I am still scared and anxious.

Humans are such pitiful creatures. There is no good reason why this is happening to me and there is no good reason why this couldn't happen to ANYONE. But one thing is sure, however strong you are, however strong you THINK you are, there is a set of circumstances which will break you - it may be a different set for different people, but you are basically destiny's plaything. Let no one live in arrogance that this could never happen to them. It can.

More issues

So, I took a stand about something at work. My manager's basically given me an ultimatum - either work with this person, or there's a problem. Which basically means I can leave.

Time out and some clarity

So, it's clear to me that the dreaded drop in mood is happening with the change in medicine. I didn't go to work on Friday and I know I will have hell to pay for it tomorrow. I may even have to contend with my contract not being renewed. But, we'll see.

Meanwhile, I am not giving up yet. I read this post, do note the bit about omega-3 studies and how EPA has been useful for the blogger. I've actually read about these studies before and I was impressed, that's why I have omega-3 supplements. The problem is I wasn't having anywhere near the right quantity. Significant change has been noticed with a dosage of at least 1g a day. Now, the post I've linked to above describes how the poster found significant effects only after having 4 capsules of PureEPA. My problem is, I am a lacto-vegan (vegan, except for milk products), and I had been taking Opti3, which is derived directly from algae, whereas the richest source of EPA is fish oil - which is what PureEPA is. I was only taking 1 capsule a day, which is 100mg of EPA when the recommended dosage is 10 times that amount. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any better source of vegan EPA in the UK. Eventually, I found Futurebiotics NewHarvest vegetarian EPA which has 600mg of EPA per capsule. They only ship within the US. This site, however ships to the UK. I'll let you know how long it takes to arrive.

I've also decided to try St John's Wart. It is not recommended for people on certain kinds of medicines, including anti-depression meds and anti-psychotics. But I am desperate here. Let's see how it goes.

Help!!!

I need help. I need some time to myself. I want to take some time off from work but I can't. We have a mortgage and a baby on the way. How will I manage? I can see where this is going. Depression, lack of concentration, I can't remember important things, I take ages to understand what people are saying and I keep making mistakes at work, coupled with time off because I can't cope. It's heading to disasterville.