Aha!

This page describes me perfectly: http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/paranoia
I don't have hallucinations, obviously, but am forever fearful of what people are going to say or do.

Excerpt:
Being paranoid means being suspicious without reason, and believing that others are trying to harm you in some way....
...people who are prone to paranoia always dread some forthcoming attack or betrayal. They are forever anticipating that something awful will happen, and trying to second-guess what their adversaries might do.

.... It can be a very isolating condition, because people feel they can't depend on anybody. They may feel angry, fearful, guilt-ridden, suspicious, vengeful and excluded, and may become very depressed, as a result.

end Excerpt

And what are the causes of paranoia? They *think* it might have something to do with genetics, at least in part. But genetics alone doesn't lead to paranoia.

Among other causes, here are the ones that apply to me:-

What happens to us in childhood may play a part. If a child is brought up to believe that the world is a very unsafe place and that people are horrible, this may mould their personality in a paranoid direction. Self-esteem, or lack of it, is also important. If children are not brought up to feel that they are basically lovable, they may be suspicious or mistrustful when others show them affection. It's thought that very grandiose behaviour or a highly inflated sense of importance, which paranoid people sometimes show, can be an unconscious compensation for such feelings

I am in danger of practicing plaigiarism if I reproduce any more of the article here. I've tried to reproduce less than 10% which I think doesn't count as plagiarism, with credits. But so much of it rings true.

Treatment usually includes administering small doses of anti-psychotics. This is precisely what happened to me. It is disheartening to note here that despite knowing my full history and, in particular, my paranoid mindset, even the particular withdrawal symptoms, a well recommended psychiatrist could not work out why a previous doctor had put me on rispiridone. He said give it up, don't even bother to taper down, just give it up. This caused a huge depressive incident and this is after I told him this had happened to me before when I tried to withdraw!

Basically, good mental health care is extremely difficult to find.

Delusional

I think I am delusional at this point of time. I am not in touch with reality. I think I should see a doc/counselor.

Meanwhile, I have been popping 2 pills of St John's Wort (250 mg) daily, which I think has kept me away from a complete breakdown and return of full blown depression, but I am still scared and anxious.

Humans are such pitiful creatures. There is no good reason why this is happening to me and there is no good reason why this couldn't happen to ANYONE. But one thing is sure, however strong you are, however strong you THINK you are, there is a set of circumstances which will break you - it may be a different set for different people, but you are basically destiny's plaything. Let no one live in arrogance that this could never happen to them. It can.

Feel really low

I feel really low today, don't know why. Well, actually, I do know why. I feel my manager thinks I'm not doing a good job. My manager's manager today said, jokingly, that I looked really interested in a job she'd given me. Which was like part sarcastic, part funny. And I suspect one of my colleagueshates me and distrusts me. I feel people are talking about me behind my back and saying bad things.

How much of this is justified? Am I making things up? Would I have handled things differently if I was still on the full dose of respidon? i.e. worry less? I don't know. I just wish I stopped feeling so worthless. I feel beaten and bruised.

Another instance of bad judgement

In a meeting, I joined in with other people laughing at a colleague who was also present. I sort of shared a look with another guy - deliberately. This person we laughed at always hogs all the attention in meetings. He is happiest when he is 'running' everything. I don't like it. In the past he has played a 'good cop, bad cop' routine in conjunction with me, without telling me I am to be projected as the bad cop. I really didn't like it then. But I don't know if I did the right thing.

Well, who cares? He cheated me a number of times, I gave some of his treatment back to him.