Unemployable

I am unemployable.

Loser

I am a loser. Nothing will ever sort itself out. I will never be happy. EVER.

Watching - as respect slips away

New place, same story. I don't have any respect from people around me. It HAS to be my own fault. I am not a very nice person.

Broken - slightly fixed

I am wayyyyy too sensitive. This morning I saw two colleagues sitting opposite me whispering to each other and I thought they were talking about me. I felt like my life had ended.

I went into the bathroom, lowered the seat and did 12 minutes of meditation and felt better.

Increasingly uncomfortable

Several things seem to be going wrong at work. I worked from home last Friday and my manager wasn't happy about it. There was a piece of work which had been foisted upon me and I didn't want to do it, and he was unhappy about that as well.

I've been coming in late to work. People are expected in at 8.00, although only a couple of people come in at 8.30, the others seem to trickle in till 9. I was in at 10 past 9 yesterday and because I get up so late, I don't even have a shower before coming in.

There are other people at work who I think don't like me.

In a nutshell, not feeling very good.

Day 46 - Bit scared

The last 3 days have been difficult. Last week, I couldn't sleep properly for a couple of days. The last 3 days, I haven't been able to sleep at night as I have very disturbing thoughts which I can't define very well, but I sleep late into the day like I'm drugged or something.

I have a kind of fear - it's almost a physical feeling inside my chest. Fear. Why am I afraid? I don't know for sure. I think I'm imagining worst case scenarios at work based on my past experiences. This happened on a much larger scale last year when I was off the medicine completely and I think I had debilitating anxiety attacks which left me physically weak. Around such times, I start avoiding work and it becomes a spiral of bad work and rejection from authority figures and peers which has an explosive and very negative end.
I wish I didn't fear my shadow as I do now. Is this why I was put on the respidon? I haven't been to see the doctor since the medical insurance people refused to pay for my therapy. And frankly I don't trust doctors here in the UK much. They simply don't know what they're doing. Although I have a different insurance provider now, it has the added hassle of having to get away from work to see a doctor which causes it's own problems.

Let's see how this pans out. I have decided I won't risk reducing my dosage another step on 5 October. I'll wait till 5 November instead.

Feel really low

I feel really low today, don't know why. Well, actually, I do know why. I feel my manager thinks I'm not doing a good job. My manager's manager today said, jokingly, that I looked really interested in a job she'd given me. Which was like part sarcastic, part funny. And I suspect one of my colleagueshates me and distrusts me. I feel people are talking about me behind my back and saying bad things.

How much of this is justified? Am I making things up? Would I have handled things differently if I was still on the full dose of respidon? i.e. worry less? I don't know. I just wish I stopped feeling so worthless. I feel beaten and bruised.

Day 39

Have been down with a throat infection during the weekend and just recovering.
Also feeling a bit isolated and unloved. Not at home, but at the workplace. I feel everyone's judging me and nobody likes me. Wonder how much of it is just perception and how much is fact. I usually build up to a high level of dislike at the workplace. People end up just hating me, so this might be just that kicking in as I come up to my 4 month anniversary over here.

Have also been starving myself, so feel lightheaded all the time. Unexplained burst of energy last night and very troubled sleep. Well, troubled in the sense that it was a very light sleep and I didn't feel at all rested in the morning.

Damn sense of humour again

I done it again. I posted a link on my linkedin profile which was a news article about how a study estimates 1 in 25 company bosses could be psychopaths. My manager 'liked' it! But if he were a real psychopath, he would, before firing me a month later.

Work

Things are really hairy at work right now. I feel like I'm not managing my work properly and I'm gonna be asked to go.

DAY 22

DAY 22 and some bit of panic has set in. I had a small confrontation-like situation with someone at work and I can't stop thinking about it. It's going round and round in my head like an endless warped scream in an empty room. I am quite sure I would have handled this differently earlier. That is, I wouldn't have worried so much about it. I wouldn't be hyperventilating on a bank holiday weekend.

Doubt, suspicion and self loathing

These are the thoughts and emotions running through my mind today. I think my manager doesn't like me. I feel I made some wrong moves and he feels I am a very political person.

3 months

It's been 3 months and 3 days since I started in this job. Another 3 months (less 2 days) still to go. All this is so tiresome. I no longer feel I can function in this world like a normal human being and be happy at the same time.

Sunday evening blues

I have to work tomorrow, like almost everyone I know. I hate working. I hate having to please people, I hate people judging me and how everyone vies to be better than everyone else. Same old politics again. And I am convinced that I am a fraud. I'm being paid to do a job I don't know how to do.