Feel really low

I feel really low today, don't know why. Well, actually, I do know why. I feel my manager thinks I'm not doing a good job. My manager's manager today said, jokingly, that I looked really interested in a job she'd given me. Which was like part sarcastic, part funny. And I suspect one of my colleagueshates me and distrusts me. I feel people are talking about me behind my back and saying bad things.

How much of this is justified? Am I making things up? Would I have handled things differently if I was still on the full dose of respidon? i.e. worry less? I don't know. I just wish I stopped feeling so worthless. I feel beaten and bruised.

Day 39

Have been down with a throat infection during the weekend and just recovering.
Also feeling a bit isolated and unloved. Not at home, but at the workplace. I feel everyone's judging me and nobody likes me. Wonder how much of it is just perception and how much is fact. I usually build up to a high level of dislike at the workplace. People end up just hating me, so this might be just that kicking in as I come up to my 4 month anniversary over here.

Have also been starving myself, so feel lightheaded all the time. Unexplained burst of energy last night and very troubled sleep. Well, troubled in the sense that it was a very light sleep and I didn't feel at all rested in the morning.

Day 36

Day 36 and things are alright. Although I'm having trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. I'm also having trouble concentrating at work. Personal grooming is an all time low and little self confidence.

Day 28

It's Day 28 and I am feeling - jealous, inadequate, stupid and depressed. Sleep problems are sorted but I can't think straight. I ask stupid questions, make points in meetings that don't make any sense to anyone, and generally come across as an idiot. I am tongue tied around people. I hate my colleagues and feel threatened by them. I am convinced my manager thinks I'm just an idiot. I am sure everyone's talking about me behind my back. Where will all this end? I'm hoping it WILL end, one day.

Day 24

An afternoon spent at the seaside, nice. I bought a cigarette holder which doesn't quite work very well coz the cigarette's a bit loose in there. Fun nonetheless.

I felt a bit odd on the way back. A sinking feeling. Slightly nauseous, with the urge to sigh every few minutes. It's a physical urge. A propensity to over-empathise and a feeling of fear. Feeling sad/weepy on behalf of someone you love, even though the person in question isn't feeling sorry for her/himself, YOU are!

Unfortunately, all this isn't new. It happened the last time I tried to quit respidon and it didn't really end well.

I'm thinking the sinking feeling is what people with low blood sugar levels must get. Maybe I should just eat something sweet and see if that helps. As for the weepy feeling and the fear, I don't know, I'll just have to manage it somehow. Distract myself or something.

DAY 22

DAY 22 and some bit of panic has set in. I had a small confrontation-like situation with someone at work and I can't stop thinking about it. It's going round and round in my head like an endless warped scream in an empty room. I am quite sure I would have handled this differently earlier. That is, I wouldn't have worried so much about it. I wouldn't be hyperventilating on a bank holiday weekend.

18th day

18th day on reduced dosage regime. I feel alright but don't have a lot of motivation to do anything. Lethargic as well. Appetite is strange. I feel kind of hungry and not hungry at the same time but that may just be me. I tend to starve myself sometimes.
Other than that, no breakdown of function - like I had earlier, has materialised. It's early days yet. The last time it took months for it to materialise, that's why I am going about this so carefully. I plan to stay on this dosage till 5th October - a full 2 months before attempting to reduce dosage again.

Day 15

Day 15 on the alternate day reduced dosage of respidon. How do I feel? The past 3 days have been better than before, moodwise. I don't feel as depressed as before. I had some bad dreams though. Woke up with palpitations. And sleep is still a problem. I had 2 red bulls and 2 double espressos yesterday, just to be able to function normally.
I'll start monitoring my weight as well. It should go down a bit.
Okay, so weight today is 66.3 kgs

13th Day

It's the 13th day on a lower dosage today. And how do I feel? I feel hungrier. My mood isn't too great, although that might be external influences. Everyone (almost) I care for is facing some kind of a problem at the moment so that tends to make me feel low. Don't know if the lower dose means I feel it more keenly.

My paranoia is back. I don't think it is back in full force yet, but it's definitely here. I suspect people's motives and the mind throws up distasteful scenarios. I'm always wondering what people think of me.

Self confidence is running a bit low. I feel everyone is judging me and that I'm some kind of a worm. The picture is not rosy at the moment.

Appetite and energy

My appetite is strange. I was very hungry in the morning but not so much in the afternoon.

Energy levels are even stranger. I have this floating feeling and burning eyes. Along with bags under the eyes. I'm just not tuned in to my environment. I feel removed from my surroundings.

10th day

So, today is the tenth day on reduced respidon and I feel the old depression creeping up on me a bit. Pessimism and a general lethargy are it's precursors. But this time, I will hold fast. I think I will start meditation tonight. Babaji's naam should help me.

A night with half the dose

So I only had half an mg of respidon last night. As expected, my head wasn't spinning as much in the morning. A common withdrawal system I've noticed in the past is a heavy heart. Like a lump in the throat, as if I'm about to weep or have just finished crying. Not so pronounced today, but will likely get worse as I stay on the new dosage regime.

Respidon

I've been stuck on 1mg respidon for 5 years and a bit now. None of the psychiatrists I've met understand why I was prescribed it to begin with. It is supposed to be an anti psychotic drug and apparently 1mg isn't even strong enough to do anything. The guy I was seeing 4 years back said it will help my 'suspicious tendencies'. I do agree I can be slightly paranoid sometimes. But respidon (or rispidon or respiridon) is supposed to be prescribed for people who have more extreme symptoms like hallucinations.

Doctors have told me it is mainly responsible for my extra weight and how sleepy I am all the time. I've found this to be true. In the past when I've tried to go off it, I've noticed how I am less lethargic within a few days of giving it up. And in a month or so I don't feel or look so bloated. My flagging sex drive also improves. But the last 2 times I tried to give it up I had major depressive episodes. Extreme feelings of fear and increased threat perception in social and professional situations. The last time it completely screwed up my working relationships and I don't remember feeling so afraid and depressed in a long long time.

So this is my latest attempt at stopping this medicine. I am going to 0.5mg every alternate day with the full 1mg every other day for 2 months. Let's see how that goes.