I am sick of seeing ruchika girhotra's photos in the papers. just go somewhere else. India's police, justice, any kind of administration - private or public, politics, everything sucks. we know. we've known for a long time. just go away.

i can't work. i cannot compete. depression has eaten me away and left a husk. when will this end? did i ever have a chance at a normal life?

Ups and downs

I felt beseiged yesterday and day before at work. i felt everyone was against me. i thought it might be because i had stopped taking my dose of half an mg of respiridon, but the shrink doesn't think i am making these things up. just to be safe i have gone back on the 1/2 mg. but the day had it's positives too. i felt better towards the end of it even before i took the respiridon. but it is such a small and insignificant dose that i am okay to keep on it for another few weeks.

shrink said i should email my manager setting out how i don't know what exactly my role is and what problems it is causing me. i have had this conversation with her at least twice before but he wants an 'audit trail' which makes sense.

headache

Long day at work - 11 hours. 13 hours out of the house. My body is no longer used to this. My mind cannot easily handle a bunch of people who only see a threat in the new employee - me. Sometimes I am the guy who is trying to take credit away. I'm not. Sometimes I am that insufferable evil - the 'manager'. It's not my fault guys! I'm just trying to do my job. I'm not here to hurt anyone. And I'm not dumb because I'm a manager. I wasn't a manager till last year. I was a regular analyst - just like you. Then there are superiors who don't know what I'm here for. My manager hasn't bothered to tell them. She is a completely disorganized individual whose idea of getting ahead is 'work work work' and forget other things like management! I've been here 2 months and she has talked to me a total of 90 minutes. Let alone tell me what I am supposed to be doing.

So who loves their job? I want to borrow your DNA. Or something.