Increasingly uncomfortable

Several things seem to be going wrong at work. I worked from home last Friday and my manager wasn't happy about it. There was a piece of work which had been foisted upon me and I didn't want to do it, and he was unhappy about that as well.

I've been coming in late to work. People are expected in at 8.00, although only a couple of people come in at 8.30, the others seem to trickle in till 9. I was in at 10 past 9 yesterday and because I get up so late, I don't even have a shower before coming in.

There are other people at work who I think don't like me.

In a nutshell, not feeling very good.

Have had some help

I was feeling really low on Sunday and decided to do some meditation. A 45 minute session had me completely calmed down and much more positive than when I started. I've been doing short bursts of meditation for some years but this was the first time it hit me, it had an almost instant effect. Plan to do it more often. Trick is finding the time to do it, especially since every minute I spend at home, my body wants to be in bed.

Day 46 - Bit scared

The last 3 days have been difficult. Last week, I couldn't sleep properly for a couple of days. The last 3 days, I haven't been able to sleep at night as I have very disturbing thoughts which I can't define very well, but I sleep late into the day like I'm drugged or something.

I have a kind of fear - it's almost a physical feeling inside my chest. Fear. Why am I afraid? I don't know for sure. I think I'm imagining worst case scenarios at work based on my past experiences. This happened on a much larger scale last year when I was off the medicine completely and I think I had debilitating anxiety attacks which left me physically weak. Around such times, I start avoiding work and it becomes a spiral of bad work and rejection from authority figures and peers which has an explosive and very negative end.
I wish I didn't fear my shadow as I do now. Is this why I was put on the respidon? I haven't been to see the doctor since the medical insurance people refused to pay for my therapy. And frankly I don't trust doctors here in the UK much. They simply don't know what they're doing. Although I have a different insurance provider now, it has the added hassle of having to get away from work to see a doctor which causes it's own problems.

Let's see how this pans out. I have decided I won't risk reducing my dosage another step on 5 October. I'll wait till 5 November instead.

Fantasy

I have this fantasy, which I think about sometimes.

I leave home, I'm walking down a road. Out of nowhere, someone shoots me in the head. I don't see it coming - I have no clue. I'm just caught in a crossfire I didn't even know about. And instantly, within a fraction of a second, I'm dead.

Suicide is sad. It is also a sin, so this way, someone else does the job for me. I meet God and God takes me to a land where there is no sadness and I live there for ever and ever.

Family Guy

I love Family Guy. It is so gross that it crosses the whole spectrum of grossness and comes out at the other end which happens to be the spectrum of funny.

The best one is Stewie. I just dig a toddler with an onion shaped head spouting philosophy in a supposedly British accent.

And then of course there's Peter. A more ignominious character couldn't be defined. He is, therefore, awesome.

To cut a long story short, I love Family Guy :)

Sleep Problem back - a bit and 4 hour long meetings!

I didn't sleep very well last night, not sure why. It was a light, easily disturbed sleep and my eyes were a bit swollen and burning in the morning. May be dehydration or because I haven't been eating properly.

That said, I was in a 4 hour meeting in the morning today with people from another organisation. The bits I was representing took 30 seconds! And I had to sit through 4 hours of brainstorming and negotiations.

I have trouble maintaining my self respect and dignity. There are some people here at work who think I am stupid. I particularly take exception to one of them - a young graduate. Don't know what to do. I'm just not assertive. I wish there were some assertiveness classes or courses I could take. Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand!

A restful weekend

I had a nice, restful weekend. Bought some clothes for myself from M&S, and of course got my Lamy logo 405 through in the post. I can't wait to use it tomorrow!

One of my friends from school is in London for a few weeks, studying at the London School of Economics. I plan to catch up with her during the week, and then we're having her over for lunch on Saturday. It should be fun catching up with her. She hasn't been to London before, so I might accompany her to a museum or an art gallery or something one of these days.

I'm almost scared of being happy sometimes, like, there's something just waiting to go wrong. It's silly, so I'll just ignore the feeling for now.

I also had a haircut at a Japanese place. Although they specialise in Japanese styles, I go there to get just a regular haircut because they are so skilful and meticulous. Not a single hair is out of place at the end of your 45 minute haircut. It does cost 24 pounds, and I add a 3 pound tip, but I don't mind. Have had some bad experiences at cheaper barbers. Also, the place is so cultured! Everyone is really polite, which is a nice change. I'm beginning to like the Japanese just based on my experience of this stylists!

I'm just waiting for the 5th of October now, to go down another notch on the Respidon. Is it possible? Can I be free of these medicines without falling apart? I hope so. Let's see.

Day 43 and small pleasures

It's day 43 and I feel fine. No sleep disturbances. Reasonably happy.
I received my multicolour Lamy 405 Logo pen in the post today and I love it! I couldn't work out how to change colours to begin with. But discovered later it's just based on how you're holding the pen when you push the bit at the top. It's German engineering at it's best. Rotate the pen in your hand and push the bit at the top, a different colour pops out!

Day 42 - Feeling alright

So, it's day 42 and I feel good! No sleep problems. Have been making it a point to eat at mealtimes, and that keeps the floating feeling away. Red Bull helps :P

I noticed how one of my colleagues uses a multicoloured pen - you know one of those pens with different ink refills in them and you can switch between colours? I've wanted one since I saw him use it! So I ordered one online. I told him about it and said I'm just waiting for it to arrive and don't know what to do till it does. He lent me his pen while mine's in the post! That was nice, wasn't it? I'm happy people can be good to each other even in a highly competitive environment like my workplace.

Day 40 and paranoia

It's day 40 and I'm constantly worrying about what people are saying / doing / planning. One of my colleagues has been whispering near me - with other people. I recall my last job when my manager used to whisper to other people and that time I overheard some comments about myself. I guess worrying about worrying is another trap. he may very well be whispering about me and me worrying if my worry is right is just confusing.

Feel really low

I feel really low today, don't know why. Well, actually, I do know why. I feel my manager thinks I'm not doing a good job. My manager's manager today said, jokingly, that I looked really interested in a job she'd given me. Which was like part sarcastic, part funny. And I suspect one of my colleagueshates me and distrusts me. I feel people are talking about me behind my back and saying bad things.

How much of this is justified? Am I making things up? Would I have handled things differently if I was still on the full dose of respidon? i.e. worry less? I don't know. I just wish I stopped feeling so worthless. I feel beaten and bruised.

Day 39

Have been down with a throat infection during the weekend and just recovering.
Also feeling a bit isolated and unloved. Not at home, but at the workplace. I feel everyone's judging me and nobody likes me. Wonder how much of it is just perception and how much is fact. I usually build up to a high level of dislike at the workplace. People end up just hating me, so this might be just that kicking in as I come up to my 4 month anniversary over here.

Have also been starving myself, so feel lightheaded all the time. Unexplained burst of energy last night and very troubled sleep. Well, troubled in the sense that it was a very light sleep and I didn't feel at all rested in the morning.

Damn sense of humour again

I done it again. I posted a link on my linkedin profile which was a news article about how a study estimates 1 in 25 company bosses could be psychopaths. My manager 'liked' it! But if he were a real psychopath, he would, before firing me a month later.

Day 36

Day 36 and things are alright. Although I'm having trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. I'm also having trouble concentrating at work. Personal grooming is an all time low and little self confidence.

Work

Things are really hairy at work right now. I feel like I'm not managing my work properly and I'm gonna be asked to go.

Day 33

It's day 33. Either my low mood has gone away or I am so used to it that I don't notice it anymore.

As an aside, I am also trying a new diet whereby I only have fruits and/or a salad for lunch. It isn't working out too well at the moment as I get light-headed by 2. I think I'll have to change it soon.

I'm still worried about what people are thinking and saying about me.

Feeling better! What's that about?!

Okay, so I am feeling a bit better. Don't exactly know why. I think it's just non verbal positive feedback. A meeting I had went well. And I talked about non-work related stuff to a colleague. A colleague asked me for my opinion. So all this works!

Another instance of bad judgement

In a meeting, I joined in with other people laughing at a colleague who was also present. I sort of shared a look with another guy - deliberately. This person we laughed at always hogs all the attention in meetings. He is happiest when he is 'running' everything. I don't like it. In the past he has played a 'good cop, bad cop' routine in conjunction with me, without telling me I am to be projected as the bad cop. I really didn't like it then. But I don't know if I did the right thing.

Well, who cares? He cheated me a number of times, I gave some of his treatment back to him.

Day 28

It's Day 28 and I am feeling - jealous, inadequate, stupid and depressed. Sleep problems are sorted but I can't think straight. I ask stupid questions, make points in meetings that don't make any sense to anyone, and generally come across as an idiot. I am tongue tied around people. I hate my colleagues and feel threatened by them. I am convinced my manager thinks I'm just an idiot. I am sure everyone's talking about me behind my back. Where will all this end? I'm hoping it WILL end, one day.