Aha!

This page describes me perfectly: http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/paranoia
I don't have hallucinations, obviously, but am forever fearful of what people are going to say or do.

Excerpt:
Being paranoid means being suspicious without reason, and believing that others are trying to harm you in some way....
...people who are prone to paranoia always dread some forthcoming attack or betrayal. They are forever anticipating that something awful will happen, and trying to second-guess what their adversaries might do.

.... It can be a very isolating condition, because people feel they can't depend on anybody. They may feel angry, fearful, guilt-ridden, suspicious, vengeful and excluded, and may become very depressed, as a result.

end Excerpt

And what are the causes of paranoia? They *think* it might have something to do with genetics, at least in part. But genetics alone doesn't lead to paranoia.

Among other causes, here are the ones that apply to me:-

What happens to us in childhood may play a part. If a child is brought up to believe that the world is a very unsafe place and that people are horrible, this may mould their personality in a paranoid direction. Self-esteem, or lack of it, is also important. If children are not brought up to feel that they are basically lovable, they may be suspicious or mistrustful when others show them affection. It's thought that very grandiose behaviour or a highly inflated sense of importance, which paranoid people sometimes show, can be an unconscious compensation for such feelings

I am in danger of practicing plaigiarism if I reproduce any more of the article here. I've tried to reproduce less than 10% which I think doesn't count as plagiarism, with credits. But so much of it rings true.

Treatment usually includes administering small doses of anti-psychotics. This is precisely what happened to me. It is disheartening to note here that despite knowing my full history and, in particular, my paranoid mindset, even the particular withdrawal symptoms, a well recommended psychiatrist could not work out why a previous doctor had put me on rispiridone. He said give it up, don't even bother to taper down, just give it up. This caused a huge depressive incident and this is after I told him this had happened to me before when I tried to withdraw!

Basically, good mental health care is extremely difficult to find.

Google Spam filtering

Random thought: How does gmail's 'report spam' feature work? There is spam from the same email id which I've reported more than once but it keeps getting delivered to my mailbox. Fixit google.

Death

I am sick of this world. I am sick of myself. I want to die but do I want it badly enough? I wish I was dead. I hate myself, I hate the world and I hate God.

Back in my private hell

Yesterday, at about 6 o'clock, nearly everyone in the team got up and left for drinks, while avoiding looking at me. I wasn't asked. At this minute, I wish I was dead.

2 fantansies:- 1. I win the lottery and never have to work again. 2. I get shot in the head on the street. This is an either/or scenario. I don't want to win the lottery on Friday only to be shot in the head next day. So long as that's clear.

EVERY single group of people I have interacted with since I was 13 has ended up hating me. I mean literally hated. School, Uni, masters, work, MBA, work, work, work, today. Every single group has ended up isolating me. Of course, it must be my fault. I just can't fix it. God knows I've tried but nothing works.

Skimming the surface

Unstoppable deluge of troublesome occurrences. Unnecessary confrontations, feel threatened, unable to respond with confidence to anything. Snowed under with work but unable to make progress.

Half started stories

I'd nearly forgotten this blog. What's the point of talking when no one's listening? But then jamie posted a comment on my last piece and I remembered. Thanks jamie. This is worth doing, even if discontinuously.

So how have I been doing? You know that feeling you get when you're just learning to drive and you're doing 35 on a bendy 30mph limit road? The kind of bendy road where an experienced driver would actually do only 20? You aren't really dangerously out of control, but you very nearly are. Nearly missing parked cars and traversing a bend too fast. That's how I feel. Things aren't quite in control, I haven't had an accident yet but it could be staring me in the face at the next bend.

I went down to half an mg of respidon on 30th Oct. I managed to stay afloat, not dipping down into full blown depression by taking St John's Wort but don't feel too great either. I've stopped St John's Wort since then because it makes me anxious.

I gained a false sense of invincibility and sort of got into a confrontation with a manager type of person recently. Makes me wonder if I have traces of manic depression. But this is like hell, neither being totally confident nor at peace with a non confrontational approach. Things are getting a bit hairy.

Meanwhile, the missus is travelling tomorrow on business for 3 days. Let's see how I survive on my own for the rest of the week.

Not reading email trails through before forwarding them

So, I forwarded an email trail to a salesperson without confirming what's been said before. As it happens, I have said some stuff on there which I'd rather not have had the salesperson see. Rookie error. Brain not working. I'm telling you guys, I have slid down the IQ scale like a vestal virgin down an oiled pole. Can't think straight any more.

Closing a meeting

I attempted to close a meeting without agreeing next steps and setting up a follow up meeting. Got called on it. I think people are getting fed up with me. Another instance of lack of concentration? Or do I not know how to run meetings?

Fool

So I came across as a fool to a group of Sales people in a meeting because one of my team mates butted in and hijacked a meeting I was running. God, I hate that guy.

5-HTP effects

So, I again had 50mg 5-HTP last night, but no St John's Wort all day. Today, I felt a nervous energy through me all day and a propensity to be rather sharp with people. Amusing (a little) but not good for professional health. My biggest problem before the collapse of 2006 was my sharp tongue and anger. So, I'll have St John's Wort if I need to, but reckon should lay off the 5-HTP's. Having omega-3 as well. Have high hopes from Omega-3 but apparently takes about 4 weeks to kick in. Let's see.

Omega 3

I got my vegan EPA through in the post today. 600mg of EPA in one capsule. It cost me $124 for 120 capsules which works out to more than a dollar per capsule. Hmm, it is a bit too expensive. Hope it helps though. And I hope Opti3 come up with an EPA formula soon.

5 HTP + Sertraline + St Johns Wart = a bad idea

So I had 25mg sertraline and st johns wart and 5 htp and have the biggest most leaden headache ever. Not recommended.

Another boo boo

I'm having a terrible time at work. I can't seem to pay any attention to what I'm doing and I keep making stupid mistakes. Not up to it.

What do I do about 5HTP?

I took 50mg of 5-HTP today. I slept for 3 hours and it was a very satisfying sleep. But I'm worried because I am on anti-histamines (citerezine 10 mg) and 25 mg Sertraline. There have also been reports of developing EMS because of impurities in 5 HTP.

Read more here.

Sort it out

I was 'ordered' to 'sort it out' with a person in another team who is a stakeholder in my project. There was a bit of work I felt he should've helped to get done but he just dug his heels in and insisted that I should do it myself. I wasn't happy about that but there is a lot of politics involved here. So, I came to know that this person - who belongs to a different team, doesn't bill any of his time to our project. Basically, whatever work he does for us is free. My manager likes this and wants to keep it that way. Which means he'd rather bend over backwards to keep this person happy than back me up even when I am right.

So much so that in our last one on one, he told me 'If you can't work with X, that is a problem'. Which means he will get rid of me and not renew my contract. Essentially, this is what happened to the last person who was doing my job. X complained about him to my manager and my manager got rid of him and brought me in. So, now, my manager insists that I should talk to this person and square things with him. Which I did today. Funnily enough, what I gathered from today's chat was, this person is one of those people who get aggressive when they feel defensive. I got an impression that he is a bit insecure and is trying to compensate by patronizing me. Not an easy situation to manage. If I try to be friendly, he patronises me even more. If I don't, that is cause for a grudge. Let's see how it pans out but I am ready to put my papers in if it doesn't work out.

Team dinner

There's a team dinner tonight which I am planning to miss. I'll go, have a drink at 5.30 and then leave. Since I don't drink alcohol, I find people getting mellow as they are in their 3rd or 4th pint, while I just get to observe them. It's kind of fun! If I could, I'd get out of going at all, but people will wonder what's wrong with me just for missing dinner, I don't want to make it worse by not going at all.

Delusional

I think I am delusional at this point of time. I am not in touch with reality. I think I should see a doc/counselor.

Meanwhile, I have been popping 2 pills of St John's Wort (250 mg) daily, which I think has kept me away from a complete breakdown and return of full blown depression, but I am still scared and anxious.

Humans are such pitiful creatures. There is no good reason why this is happening to me and there is no good reason why this couldn't happen to ANYONE. But one thing is sure, however strong you are, however strong you THINK you are, there is a set of circumstances which will break you - it may be a different set for different people, but you are basically destiny's plaything. Let no one live in arrogance that this could never happen to them. It can.

More issues

So, I took a stand about something at work. My manager's basically given me an ultimatum - either work with this person, or there's a problem. Which basically means I can leave.

Time out and some clarity

So, it's clear to me that the dreaded drop in mood is happening with the change in medicine. I didn't go to work on Friday and I know I will have hell to pay for it tomorrow. I may even have to contend with my contract not being renewed. But, we'll see.

Meanwhile, I am not giving up yet. I read this post, do note the bit about omega-3 studies and how EPA has been useful for the blogger. I've actually read about these studies before and I was impressed, that's why I have omega-3 supplements. The problem is I wasn't having anywhere near the right quantity. Significant change has been noticed with a dosage of at least 1g a day. Now, the post I've linked to above describes how the poster found significant effects only after having 4 capsules of PureEPA. My problem is, I am a lacto-vegan (vegan, except for milk products), and I had been taking Opti3, which is derived directly from algae, whereas the richest source of EPA is fish oil - which is what PureEPA is. I was only taking 1 capsule a day, which is 100mg of EPA when the recommended dosage is 10 times that amount. Unfortunately, I couldn't find any better source of vegan EPA in the UK. Eventually, I found Futurebiotics NewHarvest vegetarian EPA which has 600mg of EPA per capsule. They only ship within the US. This site, however ships to the UK. I'll let you know how long it takes to arrive.

I've also decided to try St John's Wart. It is not recommended for people on certain kinds of medicines, including anti-depression meds and anti-psychotics. But I am desperate here. Let's see how it goes.

Help!!!

I need help. I need some time to myself. I want to take some time off from work but I can't. We have a mortgage and a baby on the way. How will I manage? I can see where this is going. Depression, lack of concentration, I can't remember important things, I take ages to understand what people are saying and I keep making mistakes at work, coupled with time off because I can't cope. It's heading to disasterville.

Unemployable

I am unemployable.

Loser

I am a loser. Nothing will ever sort itself out. I will never be happy. EVER.

Watching - as respect slips away

New place, same story. I don't have any respect from people around me. It HAS to be my own fault. I am not a very nice person.

Day 60

Have I already been on the reduced dosage for 60 days? Yes I have! Haven't had a panic attack or major depressive episode yet, so I guess that's a good thing.

Paranoia: I am becoming a bit paranoid though. I also have trouble connecting with people at work. I don't talk to many people and I always have suspicious thoughts about what they are thinking/saying about me.

Guilt: I have feelings of guilt. I feel I am not good enough at what I do and I'm somehow cheating my employers because I cannot actually do my job well.

Lack of motivation: Work seems to be burdensome. I find myself approaching work with a feeling of dread and incompetence. I don't feel confident about what I am doing.

Broken - slightly fixed

I am wayyyyy too sensitive. This morning I saw two colleagues sitting opposite me whispering to each other and I thought they were talking about me. I felt like my life had ended.

I went into the bathroom, lowered the seat and did 12 minutes of meditation and felt better.

Increasingly uncomfortable

Several things seem to be going wrong at work. I worked from home last Friday and my manager wasn't happy about it. There was a piece of work which had been foisted upon me and I didn't want to do it, and he was unhappy about that as well.

I've been coming in late to work. People are expected in at 8.00, although only a couple of people come in at 8.30, the others seem to trickle in till 9. I was in at 10 past 9 yesterday and because I get up so late, I don't even have a shower before coming in.

There are other people at work who I think don't like me.

In a nutshell, not feeling very good.

Have had some help

I was feeling really low on Sunday and decided to do some meditation. A 45 minute session had me completely calmed down and much more positive than when I started. I've been doing short bursts of meditation for some years but this was the first time it hit me, it had an almost instant effect. Plan to do it more often. Trick is finding the time to do it, especially since every minute I spend at home, my body wants to be in bed.

Day 46 - Bit scared

The last 3 days have been difficult. Last week, I couldn't sleep properly for a couple of days. The last 3 days, I haven't been able to sleep at night as I have very disturbing thoughts which I can't define very well, but I sleep late into the day like I'm drugged or something.

I have a kind of fear - it's almost a physical feeling inside my chest. Fear. Why am I afraid? I don't know for sure. I think I'm imagining worst case scenarios at work based on my past experiences. This happened on a much larger scale last year when I was off the medicine completely and I think I had debilitating anxiety attacks which left me physically weak. Around such times, I start avoiding work and it becomes a spiral of bad work and rejection from authority figures and peers which has an explosive and very negative end.
I wish I didn't fear my shadow as I do now. Is this why I was put on the respidon? I haven't been to see the doctor since the medical insurance people refused to pay for my therapy. And frankly I don't trust doctors here in the UK much. They simply don't know what they're doing. Although I have a different insurance provider now, it has the added hassle of having to get away from work to see a doctor which causes it's own problems.

Let's see how this pans out. I have decided I won't risk reducing my dosage another step on 5 October. I'll wait till 5 November instead.

Fantasy

I have this fantasy, which I think about sometimes.

I leave home, I'm walking down a road. Out of nowhere, someone shoots me in the head. I don't see it coming - I have no clue. I'm just caught in a crossfire I didn't even know about. And instantly, within a fraction of a second, I'm dead.

Suicide is sad. It is also a sin, so this way, someone else does the job for me. I meet God and God takes me to a land where there is no sadness and I live there for ever and ever.

Family Guy

I love Family Guy. It is so gross that it crosses the whole spectrum of grossness and comes out at the other end which happens to be the spectrum of funny.

The best one is Stewie. I just dig a toddler with an onion shaped head spouting philosophy in a supposedly British accent.

And then of course there's Peter. A more ignominious character couldn't be defined. He is, therefore, awesome.

To cut a long story short, I love Family Guy :)

Sleep Problem back - a bit and 4 hour long meetings!

I didn't sleep very well last night, not sure why. It was a light, easily disturbed sleep and my eyes were a bit swollen and burning in the morning. May be dehydration or because I haven't been eating properly.

That said, I was in a 4 hour meeting in the morning today with people from another organisation. The bits I was representing took 30 seconds! And I had to sit through 4 hours of brainstorming and negotiations.

I have trouble maintaining my self respect and dignity. There are some people here at work who think I am stupid. I particularly take exception to one of them - a young graduate. Don't know what to do. I'm just not assertive. I wish there were some assertiveness classes or courses I could take. Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand!

A restful weekend

I had a nice, restful weekend. Bought some clothes for myself from M&S, and of course got my Lamy logo 405 through in the post. I can't wait to use it tomorrow!

One of my friends from school is in London for a few weeks, studying at the London School of Economics. I plan to catch up with her during the week, and then we're having her over for lunch on Saturday. It should be fun catching up with her. She hasn't been to London before, so I might accompany her to a museum or an art gallery or something one of these days.

I'm almost scared of being happy sometimes, like, there's something just waiting to go wrong. It's silly, so I'll just ignore the feeling for now.

I also had a haircut at a Japanese place. Although they specialise in Japanese styles, I go there to get just a regular haircut because they are so skilful and meticulous. Not a single hair is out of place at the end of your 45 minute haircut. It does cost 24 pounds, and I add a 3 pound tip, but I don't mind. Have had some bad experiences at cheaper barbers. Also, the place is so cultured! Everyone is really polite, which is a nice change. I'm beginning to like the Japanese just based on my experience of this stylists!

I'm just waiting for the 5th of October now, to go down another notch on the Respidon. Is it possible? Can I be free of these medicines without falling apart? I hope so. Let's see.

Day 43 and small pleasures

It's day 43 and I feel fine. No sleep disturbances. Reasonably happy.
I received my multicolour Lamy 405 Logo pen in the post today and I love it! I couldn't work out how to change colours to begin with. But discovered later it's just based on how you're holding the pen when you push the bit at the top. It's German engineering at it's best. Rotate the pen in your hand and push the bit at the top, a different colour pops out!

Day 42 - Feeling alright

So, it's day 42 and I feel good! No sleep problems. Have been making it a point to eat at mealtimes, and that keeps the floating feeling away. Red Bull helps :P

I noticed how one of my colleagues uses a multicoloured pen - you know one of those pens with different ink refills in them and you can switch between colours? I've wanted one since I saw him use it! So I ordered one online. I told him about it and said I'm just waiting for it to arrive and don't know what to do till it does. He lent me his pen while mine's in the post! That was nice, wasn't it? I'm happy people can be good to each other even in a highly competitive environment like my workplace.

Day 40 and paranoia

It's day 40 and I'm constantly worrying about what people are saying / doing / planning. One of my colleagues has been whispering near me - with other people. I recall my last job when my manager used to whisper to other people and that time I overheard some comments about myself. I guess worrying about worrying is another trap. he may very well be whispering about me and me worrying if my worry is right is just confusing.

Feel really low

I feel really low today, don't know why. Well, actually, I do know why. I feel my manager thinks I'm not doing a good job. My manager's manager today said, jokingly, that I looked really interested in a job she'd given me. Which was like part sarcastic, part funny. And I suspect one of my colleagueshates me and distrusts me. I feel people are talking about me behind my back and saying bad things.

How much of this is justified? Am I making things up? Would I have handled things differently if I was still on the full dose of respidon? i.e. worry less? I don't know. I just wish I stopped feeling so worthless. I feel beaten and bruised.

Day 39

Have been down with a throat infection during the weekend and just recovering.
Also feeling a bit isolated and unloved. Not at home, but at the workplace. I feel everyone's judging me and nobody likes me. Wonder how much of it is just perception and how much is fact. I usually build up to a high level of dislike at the workplace. People end up just hating me, so this might be just that kicking in as I come up to my 4 month anniversary over here.

Have also been starving myself, so feel lightheaded all the time. Unexplained burst of energy last night and very troubled sleep. Well, troubled in the sense that it was a very light sleep and I didn't feel at all rested in the morning.

Damn sense of humour again

I done it again. I posted a link on my linkedin profile which was a news article about how a study estimates 1 in 25 company bosses could be psychopaths. My manager 'liked' it! But if he were a real psychopath, he would, before firing me a month later.

Day 36

Day 36 and things are alright. Although I'm having trouble getting out of bed in the mornings. I'm also having trouble concentrating at work. Personal grooming is an all time low and little self confidence.

Work

Things are really hairy at work right now. I feel like I'm not managing my work properly and I'm gonna be asked to go.

Day 33

It's day 33. Either my low mood has gone away or I am so used to it that I don't notice it anymore.

As an aside, I am also trying a new diet whereby I only have fruits and/or a salad for lunch. It isn't working out too well at the moment as I get light-headed by 2. I think I'll have to change it soon.

I'm still worried about what people are thinking and saying about me.

Feeling better! What's that about?!

Okay, so I am feeling a bit better. Don't exactly know why. I think it's just non verbal positive feedback. A meeting I had went well. And I talked about non-work related stuff to a colleague. A colleague asked me for my opinion. So all this works!

Another instance of bad judgement

In a meeting, I joined in with other people laughing at a colleague who was also present. I sort of shared a look with another guy - deliberately. This person we laughed at always hogs all the attention in meetings. He is happiest when he is 'running' everything. I don't like it. In the past he has played a 'good cop, bad cop' routine in conjunction with me, without telling me I am to be projected as the bad cop. I really didn't like it then. But I don't know if I did the right thing.

Well, who cares? He cheated me a number of times, I gave some of his treatment back to him.

Day 28

It's Day 28 and I am feeling - jealous, inadequate, stupid and depressed. Sleep problems are sorted but I can't think straight. I ask stupid questions, make points in meetings that don't make any sense to anyone, and generally come across as an idiot. I am tongue tied around people. I hate my colleagues and feel threatened by them. I am convinced my manager thinks I'm just an idiot. I am sure everyone's talking about me behind my back. Where will all this end? I'm hoping it WILL end, one day.

Day 25

Day 25 and still on reduced dosage, yay!

The wife's pregnency test came out negative in the morning :-( We are gutted. She is taking it harder than I am, especially since docs can't find anything wrong with us and we've been doing IUI - this was our 2nd attempt.

There's a teeny-weeny hope that the test result was wrong because it's the 10th day today after the ovitril injection. Let's see.

Day 24

An afternoon spent at the seaside, nice. I bought a cigarette holder which doesn't quite work very well coz the cigarette's a bit loose in there. Fun nonetheless.

I felt a bit odd on the way back. A sinking feeling. Slightly nauseous, with the urge to sigh every few minutes. It's a physical urge. A propensity to over-empathise and a feeling of fear. Feeling sad/weepy on behalf of someone you love, even though the person in question isn't feeling sorry for her/himself, YOU are!

Unfortunately, all this isn't new. It happened the last time I tried to quit respidon and it didn't really end well.

I'm thinking the sinking feeling is what people with low blood sugar levels must get. Maybe I should just eat something sweet and see if that helps. As for the weepy feeling and the fear, I don't know, I'll just have to manage it somehow. Distract myself or something.

Day 23

Today was a relaxed day. We went to our Sunday sermon, did our groceries and then drove out to look at neighborhoods we are considering moving to - scoping the places.

My weight hasn't changed much. We meditated for some time yesterday which was just amazing. I couldn't stop worrying about work when we started meditating and 20 minutes later I felt peaceful. It was great, everyone should try it!

Thanks

In thanks to blogdirectory for listing this blog.

DAY 22

DAY 22 and some bit of panic has set in. I had a small confrontation-like situation with someone at work and I can't stop thinking about it. It's going round and round in my head like an endless warped scream in an empty room. I am quite sure I would have handled this differently earlier. That is, I wouldn't have worried so much about it. I wouldn't be hyperventilating on a bank holiday weekend.

Doubt, suspicion and self loathing

These are the thoughts and emotions running through my mind today. I think my manager doesn't like me. I feel I made some wrong moves and he feels I am a very political person.

18th day

18th day on reduced dosage regime. I feel alright but don't have a lot of motivation to do anything. Lethargic as well. Appetite is strange. I feel kind of hungry and not hungry at the same time but that may just be me. I tend to starve myself sometimes.
Other than that, no breakdown of function - like I had earlier, has materialised. It's early days yet. The last time it took months for it to materialise, that's why I am going about this so carefully. I plan to stay on this dosage till 5th October - a full 2 months before attempting to reduce dosage again.

3 months

It's been 3 months and 3 days since I started in this job. Another 3 months (less 2 days) still to go. All this is so tiresome. I no longer feel I can function in this world like a normal human being and be happy at the same time.

Day 15

Day 15 on the alternate day reduced dosage of respidon. How do I feel? The past 3 days have been better than before, moodwise. I don't feel as depressed as before. I had some bad dreams though. Woke up with palpitations. And sleep is still a problem. I had 2 red bulls and 2 double espressos yesterday, just to be able to function normally.
I'll start monitoring my weight as well. It should go down a bit.
Okay, so weight today is 66.3 kgs

13th Day

It's the 13th day on a lower dosage today. And how do I feel? I feel hungrier. My mood isn't too great, although that might be external influences. Everyone (almost) I care for is facing some kind of a problem at the moment so that tends to make me feel low. Don't know if the lower dose means I feel it more keenly.

My paranoia is back. I don't think it is back in full force yet, but it's definitely here. I suspect people's motives and the mind throws up distasteful scenarios. I'm always wondering what people think of me.

Self confidence is running a bit low. I feel everyone is judging me and that I'm some kind of a worm. The picture is not rosy at the moment.

Appetite and energy

My appetite is strange. I was very hungry in the morning but not so much in the afternoon.

Energy levels are even stranger. I have this floating feeling and burning eyes. Along with bags under the eyes. I'm just not tuned in to my environment. I feel removed from my surroundings.

10th day

So, today is the tenth day on reduced respidon and I feel the old depression creeping up on me a bit. Pessimism and a general lethargy are it's precursors. But this time, I will hold fast. I think I will start meditation tonight. Babaji's naam should help me.

Intrigue

Someone at work is creating trouble for me behind the scenes. I was asked to move my seat which I questioned and the guy wasn't very happy that I questioned him. Now everyone keeps telling me they haven't seen me in a while, am I still sitting at my seat. Have I been on holiday! Most of the team are not at their seats for at least half the day while I am at my seat most of the time and they question me! Feel really bad about this. I hate it.

Busted!

9 days short of 3 months in my new job and people already see me for what I am. A shirker, dishonest, lazy, disloyal, involved in petty politics.

Change at work

Today, they announced a drastic change to our project. A major piece of work we were supposed to be doing till end of next year is not happening anymore. Something we were supposed to do after that is now due by end of next year.
Personally, I am quite happy this has happened. The current project was in a terrible mess and I'm glad it's all been flushed down the can. The only thing is, I feel the new piece of work is not enough to require the number of people currently in the team. I personally think some people have got to go and since I am one of the people most heavily impacted, it might include me.
Again, not unhappy about that. As I said, the project's a mess. This might just serve to get me out of a bad situation. Getting another job quickly will be tricky since I just started on this one 2.5 months ago. Let's see how it goes.

Sunday evening blues

I have to work tomorrow, like almost everyone I know. I hate working. I hate having to please people, I hate people judging me and how everyone vies to be better than everyone else. Same old politics again. And I am convinced that I am a fraud. I'm being paid to do a job I don't know how to do.

China and the US Debt

So China has led the march on the US economy. I remember wondering, 10-15 years ago, why China helped shore up the US economy? They were buying US debt and kept the Yuan pegged at an artificial level. Even at that younger age, I was cynical enough to ask, why? And today brings that answer to us. With this particular set of circumstances, China may have hammered the final nail into the coffin of US dominance in world economics. And where will this lead us? A weaker US will feel the heat where it hurts most. How will they support their various ill advised wars? How will they continue to influence the world from this weaker position?
The Chinese are nothing if not master long term strategists. I believe they have been waiting for this very day for decades and it has finally arrived. And right on cue, they denounce the US when it's down. Remember S&P only downgraded the US a few days after the Chinese government owned ratings agency downgraded the US. You'd think it odd that the US's largest creditor, which would have an interest in maintaining the desirability of the US securities they hold, was so quick to downgrade it. But it does not surprise me at all. China have 'bought' a US economic collapse over the last couple of decades. It's a master stroke. No war, no loss of life and they've accomplished something which an Islamic terrorist could never do - hurt US interests in a very tangible manner.
At this stage, we MUST remember who helped the Chinese in their endeavors. It was the Bill Clinton government that turned a blind eye to Chinese transgressions. Bill Clinton is credited with the 'It's the economy, stupid' line of thinking. Pandering to China, even going so far as to ignore Chinese spies stealing nuclear and military secrets, the nation must now pay the price for this near sightedness.

A night with half the dose

So I only had half an mg of respidon last night. As expected, my head wasn't spinning as much in the morning. A common withdrawal system I've noticed in the past is a heavy heart. Like a lump in the throat, as if I'm about to weep or have just finished crying. Not so pronounced today, but will likely get worse as I stay on the new dosage regime.

Respidon

I've been stuck on 1mg respidon for 5 years and a bit now. None of the psychiatrists I've met understand why I was prescribed it to begin with. It is supposed to be an anti psychotic drug and apparently 1mg isn't even strong enough to do anything. The guy I was seeing 4 years back said it will help my 'suspicious tendencies'. I do agree I can be slightly paranoid sometimes. But respidon (or rispidon or respiridon) is supposed to be prescribed for people who have more extreme symptoms like hallucinations.

Doctors have told me it is mainly responsible for my extra weight and how sleepy I am all the time. I've found this to be true. In the past when I've tried to go off it, I've noticed how I am less lethargic within a few days of giving it up. And in a month or so I don't feel or look so bloated. My flagging sex drive also improves. But the last 2 times I tried to give it up I had major depressive episodes. Extreme feelings of fear and increased threat perception in social and professional situations. The last time it completely screwed up my working relationships and I don't remember feeling so afraid and depressed in a long long time.

So this is my latest attempt at stopping this medicine. I am going to 0.5mg every alternate day with the full 1mg every other day for 2 months. Let's see how that goes.

Back to blogging

I miss blogging. I used to blog earlier and then I stopped. But I have this itch to blog again. Precisely for that 'catharsis' element.