Day 25

Day 25 and still on reduced dosage, yay!

The wife's pregnency test came out negative in the morning :-( We are gutted. She is taking it harder than I am, especially since docs can't find anything wrong with us and we've been doing IUI - this was our 2nd attempt.

There's a teeny-weeny hope that the test result was wrong because it's the 10th day today after the ovitril injection. Let's see.

Day 24

An afternoon spent at the seaside, nice. I bought a cigarette holder which doesn't quite work very well coz the cigarette's a bit loose in there. Fun nonetheless.

I felt a bit odd on the way back. A sinking feeling. Slightly nauseous, with the urge to sigh every few minutes. It's a physical urge. A propensity to over-empathise and a feeling of fear. Feeling sad/weepy on behalf of someone you love, even though the person in question isn't feeling sorry for her/himself, YOU are!

Unfortunately, all this isn't new. It happened the last time I tried to quit respidon and it didn't really end well.

I'm thinking the sinking feeling is what people with low blood sugar levels must get. Maybe I should just eat something sweet and see if that helps. As for the weepy feeling and the fear, I don't know, I'll just have to manage it somehow. Distract myself or something.

Day 23

Today was a relaxed day. We went to our Sunday sermon, did our groceries and then drove out to look at neighborhoods we are considering moving to - scoping the places.

My weight hasn't changed much. We meditated for some time yesterday which was just amazing. I couldn't stop worrying about work when we started meditating and 20 minutes later I felt peaceful. It was great, everyone should try it!

Thanks

In thanks to blogdirectory for listing this blog.

DAY 22

DAY 22 and some bit of panic has set in. I had a small confrontation-like situation with someone at work and I can't stop thinking about it. It's going round and round in my head like an endless warped scream in an empty room. I am quite sure I would have handled this differently earlier. That is, I wouldn't have worried so much about it. I wouldn't be hyperventilating on a bank holiday weekend.

Doubt, suspicion and self loathing

These are the thoughts and emotions running through my mind today. I think my manager doesn't like me. I feel I made some wrong moves and he feels I am a very political person.

18th day

18th day on reduced dosage regime. I feel alright but don't have a lot of motivation to do anything. Lethargic as well. Appetite is strange. I feel kind of hungry and not hungry at the same time but that may just be me. I tend to starve myself sometimes.
Other than that, no breakdown of function - like I had earlier, has materialised. It's early days yet. The last time it took months for it to materialise, that's why I am going about this so carefully. I plan to stay on this dosage till 5th October - a full 2 months before attempting to reduce dosage again.

3 months

It's been 3 months and 3 days since I started in this job. Another 3 months (less 2 days) still to go. All this is so tiresome. I no longer feel I can function in this world like a normal human being and be happy at the same time.

Day 15

Day 15 on the alternate day reduced dosage of respidon. How do I feel? The past 3 days have been better than before, moodwise. I don't feel as depressed as before. I had some bad dreams though. Woke up with palpitations. And sleep is still a problem. I had 2 red bulls and 2 double espressos yesterday, just to be able to function normally.
I'll start monitoring my weight as well. It should go down a bit.
Okay, so weight today is 66.3 kgs

13th Day

It's the 13th day on a lower dosage today. And how do I feel? I feel hungrier. My mood isn't too great, although that might be external influences. Everyone (almost) I care for is facing some kind of a problem at the moment so that tends to make me feel low. Don't know if the lower dose means I feel it more keenly.

My paranoia is back. I don't think it is back in full force yet, but it's definitely here. I suspect people's motives and the mind throws up distasteful scenarios. I'm always wondering what people think of me.

Self confidence is running a bit low. I feel everyone is judging me and that I'm some kind of a worm. The picture is not rosy at the moment.

Appetite and energy

My appetite is strange. I was very hungry in the morning but not so much in the afternoon.

Energy levels are even stranger. I have this floating feeling and burning eyes. Along with bags under the eyes. I'm just not tuned in to my environment. I feel removed from my surroundings.

10th day

So, today is the tenth day on reduced respidon and I feel the old depression creeping up on me a bit. Pessimism and a general lethargy are it's precursors. But this time, I will hold fast. I think I will start meditation tonight. Babaji's naam should help me.

Intrigue

Someone at work is creating trouble for me behind the scenes. I was asked to move my seat which I questioned and the guy wasn't very happy that I questioned him. Now everyone keeps telling me they haven't seen me in a while, am I still sitting at my seat. Have I been on holiday! Most of the team are not at their seats for at least half the day while I am at my seat most of the time and they question me! Feel really bad about this. I hate it.

Busted!

9 days short of 3 months in my new job and people already see me for what I am. A shirker, dishonest, lazy, disloyal, involved in petty politics.

Change at work

Today, they announced a drastic change to our project. A major piece of work we were supposed to be doing till end of next year is not happening anymore. Something we were supposed to do after that is now due by end of next year.
Personally, I am quite happy this has happened. The current project was in a terrible mess and I'm glad it's all been flushed down the can. The only thing is, I feel the new piece of work is not enough to require the number of people currently in the team. I personally think some people have got to go and since I am one of the people most heavily impacted, it might include me.
Again, not unhappy about that. As I said, the project's a mess. This might just serve to get me out of a bad situation. Getting another job quickly will be tricky since I just started on this one 2.5 months ago. Let's see how it goes.

Sunday evening blues

I have to work tomorrow, like almost everyone I know. I hate working. I hate having to please people, I hate people judging me and how everyone vies to be better than everyone else. Same old politics again. And I am convinced that I am a fraud. I'm being paid to do a job I don't know how to do.

China and the US Debt

So China has led the march on the US economy. I remember wondering, 10-15 years ago, why China helped shore up the US economy? They were buying US debt and kept the Yuan pegged at an artificial level. Even at that younger age, I was cynical enough to ask, why? And today brings that answer to us. With this particular set of circumstances, China may have hammered the final nail into the coffin of US dominance in world economics. And where will this lead us? A weaker US will feel the heat where it hurts most. How will they support their various ill advised wars? How will they continue to influence the world from this weaker position?
The Chinese are nothing if not master long term strategists. I believe they have been waiting for this very day for decades and it has finally arrived. And right on cue, they denounce the US when it's down. Remember S&P only downgraded the US a few days after the Chinese government owned ratings agency downgraded the US. You'd think it odd that the US's largest creditor, which would have an interest in maintaining the desirability of the US securities they hold, was so quick to downgrade it. But it does not surprise me at all. China have 'bought' a US economic collapse over the last couple of decades. It's a master stroke. No war, no loss of life and they've accomplished something which an Islamic terrorist could never do - hurt US interests in a very tangible manner.
At this stage, we MUST remember who helped the Chinese in their endeavors. It was the Bill Clinton government that turned a blind eye to Chinese transgressions. Bill Clinton is credited with the 'It's the economy, stupid' line of thinking. Pandering to China, even going so far as to ignore Chinese spies stealing nuclear and military secrets, the nation must now pay the price for this near sightedness.

A night with half the dose

So I only had half an mg of respidon last night. As expected, my head wasn't spinning as much in the morning. A common withdrawal system I've noticed in the past is a heavy heart. Like a lump in the throat, as if I'm about to weep or have just finished crying. Not so pronounced today, but will likely get worse as I stay on the new dosage regime.

Respidon

I've been stuck on 1mg respidon for 5 years and a bit now. None of the psychiatrists I've met understand why I was prescribed it to begin with. It is supposed to be an anti psychotic drug and apparently 1mg isn't even strong enough to do anything. The guy I was seeing 4 years back said it will help my 'suspicious tendencies'. I do agree I can be slightly paranoid sometimes. But respidon (or rispidon or respiridon) is supposed to be prescribed for people who have more extreme symptoms like hallucinations.

Doctors have told me it is mainly responsible for my extra weight and how sleepy I am all the time. I've found this to be true. In the past when I've tried to go off it, I've noticed how I am less lethargic within a few days of giving it up. And in a month or so I don't feel or look so bloated. My flagging sex drive also improves. But the last 2 times I tried to give it up I had major depressive episodes. Extreme feelings of fear and increased threat perception in social and professional situations. The last time it completely screwed up my working relationships and I don't remember feeling so afraid and depressed in a long long time.

So this is my latest attempt at stopping this medicine. I am going to 0.5mg every alternate day with the full 1mg every other day for 2 months. Let's see how that goes.

Back to blogging

I miss blogging. I used to blog earlier and then I stopped. But I have this itch to blog again. Precisely for that 'catharsis' element.